Then, in this madness, something simple and astounding happens. This exchange I posted on my FB wall happened this past week:

“I’ve been dealing will Samuel’s attitude and rebellion since daddy left…Kayla: Mommy, I told Samuel that when he’s good he’s the best brother in the world. He says he’ll try to be a better brother. I think that encouragement works better for him. Samuel: Yeah, I need to be better so that Nathan can grow up to be a good brother, too. Me: Wow, God!”

My children are teaching me how to parent! More humbling than that, God has spoken to my heart that I do the same thing to Him that Samuel does to me. And it is so true. How much of my marriage have I railed against the unfairness of God because I felt unloved and unwanted? How often have I wanted my own way and seethed in my soul because it wasn’t going to happen? How quickly have I listened to the enemy’s lies that I was worthless and rejected, even from childhood? Samuel has felt the same way! In my weak flesh, I have vented my frustration or held back love in my anger often enough that he rails against my unfairness even while he is missing his own father who, in his little lifetime, has been deployed more than he has been present.

Each year the Lord seems to give me an individual child that I need to give special attention to as I grow and mature and heal of my wounds of my childhood. After Iraq, it was Kayla…she was lying left and right and sneaking bad behavior. I had been critical of her and the Lord had me focus half a year on rebuilding her little spirit. She is whole and at peace now, and is such a huge help to me! Samuel is next on my list, and with my precious Kayla to help model encouragement for me, I am embarking on a journey of refilling Samuel’s empty love tank. Since I’ve been hugging and rubbing his head and kissing him, and speaking life words to him, he’s been so cheerful and helpful. His attitude is so sweet. His needs are so simple.

In my weariness, I had pulled away from my children and stopped engaging at a heart level way too often. I would meet their needs for school, food, activities etc., then I would hide away in my room for ‘me’ time and shut them out to catch my breath. God has renewed my mind this past year of homeschooling. I’m learning to ENJOY experiencing my kids. We are reading books and Bible stories snuggled up in my bed. I’m learning how freeing letting go of the unimportant things really is.

Baby Nathan is a huge part of it. He is a true delight, and has such a sweet and engaging personality. None of us can keep our kisses off him. But the true gift is that all the kids love him without jealousy and we are all learning how to love unconditionally by loving the baby. Nathan truly is “God’s gift” to our family. And the love that we are learning from God and from each other is the gift that keeps on giving…

The key to happiness is in me. I am given the free will to choose to be happy. I chose life and happiness when I accepted forgiveness for my sins and eternal life with Christ. I choose to follow God’s words and rejoice in Him always. I decide that I can be content. I decide to follow the truth and not believe lies. I decide to put on the garment of praise and wear the peace that passes all understanding. He has placed the power to BE happy in my hands. God never says in the bible to pursue it. In fact, the wisest man in the world, Solomon, tried it all and declared it ‘vanity’ in Ecclesiastes.

Shouldn’t I pursue a happy marriage? Shouldn’t I try to make my children happy? Shouldn’t I do great things and make my family and friends proud of me? Shouldn’t I pursue prosperity and security? Shouldn’t I try to find myself and pursue my own fulfillment? These are all questions that may haunt you like they’ve haunted me in the past. All I know is that in running after these and so many other things to fill that hole in my heart, I chased down and caught for myself more heartbreak and disappointment than I would ever wish on another soul.

After I wrote the above three paragraphs, I went to do a bedtime devotion with the three older children, the first one in a long while. We are reading “Then Sings My Soul” by Robert Morgan, who writes the stories behind many great hymns of old. I randomly opened my book and with the subject of ‘happiness’ on my brain I opened to the story of the hymn, “O Happy Day, That Fixed My Choice” by Philip Dodderidge. He was the first out of 20 children to survive infancy. His mother, Monica, dedicated him to the Lord and faithfully taught him Scripture. When he was orphaned, he wrote in his journal:

God is an immortal Father, my soul rejoices in Him:

He hath hitherto helped me and provided for me;

may it be my study to approve myself a more

affectionate, grateful and dutiful child.

Philip became a seminarian after God provided his financial needs in a big way. He dedicated his life to God in ceaseless prayer and study and drew many students to the seminary because of his powerful sermons and incredible prayer life. His life was not an easy one: he was orphaned, ill, frail and overworked. But his writing and his 400 hymns survive him after death.

What a reminder for me! The day I was born again into God’s family, I was washed clean and given the gift of a lifetime. I had determined at one point that I would be “a more affectionate, grateful and dutiful child” also, just in different words. Then the days passed and life grew large and looming and I forgot those grateful sentiments of my rebirth.

The hymn’s chorus sings:

Happy day, happy day, When Jesus washed my sins away!

He taught me how to watch and pray, And live rejoicing every day.

Happy day, happy day, When Jesus washed my sins away!

This Christmas season, give the gift of LIFE. Share the love of Jesus with someone. Anyone. You never know who needs just that kind word of encouragement or the touch of a warm hand as you offer to pray for them. Only when someone has that eternal gift safe and sound in their hearts will they be equipped and prepared for a life to choose happiness and hope…the possibilities and opportunities for a believer to rejoice and be happy are endless!

Psalm 68:3 But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.

Luke 15:10 Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.

We’ve faced some challenging times, in the military, in our marriage, and with our children, but through it all,

your unwavering commitment to the Lord and to me has guided us through thick and thin. We are stronger than ever!

I trust you with my life and I thank God that we can trust Him together. What a gift you are to me!

I celebrate your 40th birthday by missing you with my whole heart, and with 4 young ones who long to see you soon.

We are beyond blessed that we can hold up your example of faithful service and excellent servanthood as a model

for our children to follow. I am proud of you and I believe in you.

You constantly seek to improve yourself and the conditions around you…

you are not content to bask in the thought of a job well-done.

You have poured yourself into leaving things better than you found them,

and that is a quality in you that I have always been drawn to and inspired by.

Thank you for all that you do for me, for our children, for our fellow-man and country,

but most importantly, for our Lord.

I know that He will say “Well done, good and faithful servant,” because of the life you choose to lead.

I love and respect you and want you to know that your thoughtful love takes my breath away.

Thank you for sending your love to me gift wrapped in loving words and coupons from people from around the world.

I felt like I was being hugged for days!

You are the hero of my heart and the steady anchor for our children and their children’s children.

I am thankful that I can share in that immense legacy you’ve been building…it is a marvelous work you are crafting!

Happy Birthday, my love, my hero.

We count down the days until we can overwhelm you with hugs and kisses, big and small!

Your Enthralled Wife,

Nancy

Psalm 21

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

¹ O LORD, the king, Steve, rejoices in your strength.
How great is his joy in the victories you give!

² You have granted Steve the desire of his heart
and have not withheld the request of his lips.
Selah

³ You welcomed him with rich blessings
and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.

⁴ Steve asked you for life, and you gave it to him—
length of days, for ever and ever.

⁵ Through the victories you gave, his glory is great;
you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.

⁶ Surely you have granted him eternal blessings
and made him glad with the joy of your presence.

⁷ For the king trusts in the LORD;
through the unfailing love of the Most High

I am turning towards the cross which avails me much.

The expansion of my soul, through the storm which threatens to destroy me,

will bring that hope to the point of unfolding destiny.

~Nancy Sheridan

In my own life, with the absence of extended family and my dear husband,

He’s given me a family of the faithful, a soft sweet baby and amazing kids to fill the void.

How has God filled up the holes in your life?

I cannot even describe all the blessings my simple act of obedience has produced in my marriage, in my children and in myself. I finally gave myself, and God, the room to help me mature, find peace, and learn to enjoy all the different roles I already play in this life. God brought me through a tremendous faith ‘spurt’ and I trust Him so much more than I ever have. Sometimes I do wish I could commit to every small group, home group, bible class, event or volunteer  opportunity, because it’s fun, rewarding, and a way to love others; I do miss that at times.

Still, I know that God had to set me aside to strengthen me for the trials of facing deployment again and buffering the effects of having Daddy gone for the children. It’s a sobering responsibility, but one that is bearing much fruit. My children tell me that they feel loved by Daddy and that they miss him so much. They talk about all the great things that he did with them and that warms my heart. Now, I serve people by bringing a meal, or pampering someone in crisis, or just being a shoulder to cry on. Beyond working on my role as mother, I can do those things and pray, and somehow, it seems to be enough for now.

Take Abel, he obeyed God’s command with his heart and his deeds. He didn’t think twice about giving God his most valuable possessions. Cain, well, let’s just say he thought his sacrifice was worth a whole lot more than it was. Then, his true heart was revealed with it’s murderous intent.

With thirty years of harboring pain from childhood wounds, twelve years of strife in marriage because I wasn’t trusting God, and going on 3 1/2 years of deployments and separations with all the highs and lows, I’m done with holding murder (rage, anger, unforgiveness) in my heart. I thought what I was holding on to (pain, pride, hurt, offense, my comfort, my life) was worth more than obeying God in word and deed, and my faith suffered for it.

I would much rather obey than sacrifice now, because the difference that letting go makes is complete freedom and wholeness after years of anger and misery.
Wouldn’t you?

~Nancy

1 Samuel 15:21-23 (NIV)
21 The soldiers took sheep and cattle from the plunder, the best of what was devoted to God, in order to sacrifice them to the LORD your God at Gilgal.”
22 But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
23 For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.”

The lies I’ve been told along the way fade and dim

as I hear the melody of who I am

strummed against the minor notes of pain in my life.

Who am I?

A light, a sparkle in my Father’s eye,

and when I nestle into His love,

the darkness flees as the next stanza resounds…

Honestly, though I’ve always wanted four children, I thought I would quit after the first three. I was dog-tired. I was doing the ‘military spouse serving as a single mom with three toddlers’ grind, and my husband and I were stressed out and at odds often. All my well-laid plans to use cloth diapers, to breastfeed my babies, and to enjoy my motherhood kept getting hindered or waylaid as I switched to disposable diapers after I couldn’t keep up with a third in cloth, as my milk dried up because of  back to back pregnancies, mastitis and babies who slept too well at night (go figure). I went back and forth between making homemade baby and toddler food and scarfing Wendy’s drive thru on the way home from anywhere. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry when I discovered that my 11-month-old son, Samuel’s, first words were, ‘thop dat!’ finger pointing and all. My conversations with my children seemed to all start and end with ‘NO’ and I was weary and angry about the loss of my dream of motherhood bliss. It wasn’t easy, beautiful, serene or fun…it was breathtakingly, tongue-draggingly, exhaustively tiring!

I’m over the ‘will I survive potty-training?’ stage, and even with a 10-month-old baby, having the older children be 9, 8 and 6 means that the baby always has doting siblings to entertain and love on him while I work or rest. We all enjoy him together and we are having so much fun! When my husband was deployed to Iraq my girls actually brought 3 year old Samuel to me, by the hand, and formally requested that I produce a baby brother for him. After all, the girls had each other and he had no one on his side. (I suspect this could have had something to do with him terrorizing their playsets). I thought that was cute, and told them that that was the kind of thing that you would take to God in prayer, that it was out of my hands. I really thought I was done at 3 children anyways, so it truly had to be an act of God! The 4 and 5  year old sisters, took Samuel by the hand and began praying for a baby brother together.

One year and nine months after Steve came home from a grueling, long deployment, God laid it on my heart to have room for another baby. I shared that with Steve and he agreed. Little did we know that I was already almost a month pregnant! When I shared the news with the children they actually remembered their prayer request from almost 3 years earlier and they rejoiced, saying, “God answered our prayers! God answered our prayers!” When I informed them it would be a boy at 20 weeks, they looked at me with some puzzlement…”But Mommy, we PRAYED for a BOY, remember?” Properly chastened at my unbelief, I reveled in the fact that their young faith had been so strong and unwavering even while I had been skeptical and unwilling. We named our baby Nathan, which means ‘God’s gift,’ and he has been an integral part of healing and unifying our family. We enjoy our sweet baby so much, but Samuel and the girls all consider Nathan to be his very own, made-to-order baby, and big brother can’t wait to share a room with baby brother. Samuel accepts ownership of his one and only prayed for brother.

So yes, in this day and age, I suppose four children is slightly unusual for two ‘educated parents.’ Many of my peers back in CA started having babies later life because of their careers, and will likely stop at the proverbial 2 or 2.5 children (whatever that may mean.) I’ve surprised most of the older generation in my family because they fully expected me to pop out two kids and go back to school or work. I am something of an anomaly or an exasperation to them, and they still ask me, ‘you ARE done having kids, aren’t you?’ I may be done, only God really knows, but I have had such peace and joy about having these four entirely individual, beautiful little people in our lives. I was given the grace to have them and to raise them, and I’m not a supermom by any stretch of the imagination. Grace has empowered me to grow with each child, and that experience may range from super-painful to super-sweet, but not super-mom! My husband and I may never become rich, famous or powerful, but I do know that we are investing and pouring what we learn as we grow into each child, with prayer and repentance all along the way. We know that God will bless that commitment and multiply the blessings that follow. We are preparing to launch them into a faith-filled, successful adulthood.

So do we have our hands full? Sure we do. I’d like to think that our quiver is full and that God’s cup runneth over!

³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one’s youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Psalm 127:3-5